my china heart

Who is that yours is important, others

10:14, 2009-Jul-10 .. 0 comments .. Link

Who is that yours is important, others
    She is my music teacher, very young at that time, combing the big long pigtail, have two very deep dimples, it is very lucid and elegant to smile. Certainly, the dimple disappears when she is angry, the face is split open like a soda cracker, very severe. I am about 11 years old at that time, stature looked very high, was group's committee member.
The school organizes " Red May " The singing match, it is the little chorus of men and women's sound that is favoured the most, the music teacher kisses letting to command. I am very honoured to be chosen. While practising singing one day, long pigtail music teacher, lost the baton suddenly, jump off from platform in a sudden big stride forward, side ears, go to the team, the aslant neck listens to us singing. Everybody sees the teacher paying attention to in this way, sing on extremely hard. Different life
Teacher's ashen face of long pigtail turns around, go to me finally, having made a resolute and decisive gesture, the whole team quiets down in the twinkling of an eye. She stand akimbo, one word first say, Bi Shumin, I always hear at the podium that runs and adjusts alone, I wonder who it is. Find out at long last now, it was you originally! One pot of bad soup of a mouse's dung! Now, I expell you!
I wooden wood stand in there, unable to accept these burst of blow. The teacher stayed by me extremely long just now, I still thought she appreciated my voice, sing particularly hard, does not want but catch a piece of " current " . I move out the team gloomily, the ashamed difficult locality goes out of the classroom.
Three days later, I am practising ball game on the playground, a girl of little chorus' pants and says, Bi Shumin, you were here originally! The music teacher is looking for you everywhere!
From playground to those several minutes of the music classroom, my heart is full of happiness and hope. Go to the music classroom, the long pigtail teacher says impatiently, you are young, why long such high stature? !
The meaning of condemnation which I recognized in, can't help bending the body and collapsing the waist. From then on, this posture ran through my whole teenager and one's youth.
The teacher's anger has not been obviously vented on yet, she says, a son of yours is so high, must stand in the middle of the formation while singing, you run and call away, I must let another boy go down too, the formation is balanced. Actually the little chorus was on few people, the short half a section quickly of team, did this return how to sing? Look for so tall a girl now, close everybody's rhythm, where is so easy? Now, only have the last way left
The long pigtail teacher stands up, the face can seem to receive the good sole newly. She says, Bi Shumin, you listen to it well, you can get back to the team, but should remember, since present, you can only do and open one's mouth, can never emit any sound! Having finished talking about, she still fears I understand it uncompletely, stretches out the long and thin forefinger, block among my lip straight.
I had not understood the long pigtail teacher's prohibition until much time, let me be a wooden person not only opening one's mouth. My tear suppress and spin in the eye socket, but does not dare to flow out. I have courage say to long pigtail Mr., make puppet, I withdraw from little chorus. In have speech in being hurt and wronged, I stand among the teams quietly, with the rhythm of the instrumental music from then on, the degree of lip-rounding is moved amiable and compliantly, but can't emit any sound. Teacher worries the long pigtail, so long as hear cacophonies, the sight like the awl is assassinated to on me first
The little chorus is here " Red May " Having taken very good place in the singing match, just I left behind the trouble that can't sing from then on. When graduate, it is that each student sings a song that the music has an examination, but I can not emit one's own sound at all. The music teacher has already substituted, has not known this section of past events, very strange. I am saying tearfully, teacher, it is not I that do not want to sing, it is I that can not really sing out.
Later, I entered for Beijing Foreign Language Studies Institute attached middle school, at the time of the oral examination, one did in the test and sang. I very say to the main examiner, I can not sing definitely.
During decades, that forefinger held up of long pigtail teacher, like a charm, lock my throat. Prohibition extravagant to spread, reach every need spend the throat, I am uneasy, escape shrinking back. I not only without singing again, even lecture and attend the meeting and make essential speech in public, I hide from if it is possible, find out all sorts of reasons to evade and stall off too. At the meeting-place sometimes, should it's one's own turn to make a speech soon, I will want to see that slip out in the toilet on the excuse. Someone thought this was that my Ju was proud and treated without proper respect, even impoliteness, only I knew oneself, it is that ineffable fear and deep sorrow are haunting in the heart of hearts.
Until one day, I am doing " who is that yours is important, others " At the the game, write down after the a series of personages having important influence on me, brain can't help, appear, appear long Mr. of pigtail music that have beautiful dimple but stern face as iron plate, tremble and roll in mind in a period of time. Then I have known, she is mine " it is important, others " . Though I have already forgotten her name, though I of today am with an adult's intelligence, can already understand her purpose and difficulties at that time, but I was unable to erase the painful memory that she left in a juvenile heart. Bake red scar and still emit the burnt blue and green smoke that pasted after decades.
Some personalities and reaction modes of ours, " it is important, others " because of these Influence,ones that and is it deep to type have brand. You were still young at that time, you have been injured, that was not your fault. But your wound is still bleeding so far, you want one's own idea to wrap up. If its still whiz of whiz like exit of the sewer takes the dirty smell, return the influence on continuing giving play to strongly your today, tomorrow, that is because you are still letting matters drift. The memory of childhood is unable to rewrite, but for an adult, can follow " it is important, others " This cable is combed again, scrutinize our rule and mode again. If it is rational, change it into a golden sail, become a rational part; If it is dark and gloomy thistles and thorns, it crushes with adult's strong pairs of handles. After I think all these over, it seems that there is hot wind that rises from the bottom of foot, I can clearly experience the moral integrity Pi's Pi whip confined on my throat for a long time has split open. One are relaxed, I freely, liberate out from the charm. Since that day, I can sing, can also with face everybody speak than not stricken. Since that day, I have forgiven my long pigtail teacher, and explain this piece of experiences to other teachers, afford to hope they little heart prudent. Baked the negative emotion under during one's childhood, it was the rubber difficult to take time briefly that wiped easily.
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